How I forgave my father.
6 STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
Every year on my birthday from the time I can remember until I was 10 years old my dad would tell me the story of the night I was born. He would tell me how he drove through the most hazardous storm of the year so that my mother could safely give birth to his little girl. He would kneel down look at me in the eyes and tell me how special I was. For those very few moments I had his full undivided attention, I felt special, I felt seen.. I was the only person who mattered.
Unfortunately, this is one of the few memories I have of my father’s love. The truth is neither of my parents really wanted me. My mother did not want children at all and my father desperately wanted a boy.
My dad was a prideful man of few words. There were only two people he was proud of. My oldest sister and my younger brother. My oldest sister was a straight A student who did not drink, smoke or go out with boys. Dad often said: “If only every child could be like Sally. She is the perfect child.” My brother was a baseball star who would often bring the community team to victory.
As for me? I struggled in school, I partied, I was into boys and I was lousy at baseball. I wanted to make my father proud. Instead he looked down on me. I recall one night when I woke up to see my dad standing in the door way to my bedroom watching me, his arms crossed, a look of contempt on his face. The moment he realized I was awake he looked at me with distaste and walked away. That distasteful look was something I was far too familiar with.
I played on the baseball team in hope my dad would notice me. At the end of each game he would tell my brother how good of a job he did how proud he was of him. Then he would look at me, tell me if I would focus on the ball harder I would be able to hit it. What I heard was: “You are not good enough for me to praise but if you try harder you might reach praise worthy status later.”
The approval I so desperately wanted and could not get from my dad created in me a sense of unworthiness that led me to believe that there was something wrong with me. Unfortunately for me, I carried that belief into adulthood.
Fast forward to 2017. I was 36 years old. I started to noticing that when ever I spoke to my father or other members of my family I got triggered. A flood of attack thoughts would come into my head bringing the old memories back to the surface. I would become angry and remain angry for days. I would get so wrapped up in replaying that conversation in my head that it would wash away any ounce of happiness I felt in that moment. I’d be a total wreck!
I realized that If I wanted to enjoy my life I had to forgive my father.
By then I had been on a personal journey for inner peace for quite some time and already had a basic knowledge about forgiveness which I had learned through Attitudinal Healing’s Principals and other teachings offered by Louise Hay. Here is what worked for me.
Stop blaming. Take responsibility
There was only one person responsible for feeling the way I did and that was me. I had to take responsibility for everything that had happened to me until now. Yes, the good the bad and the ugly. I had to stop blaming others and realize that I had allowed my relationship with them. Doing that empowered me to own my life and gave me the ability to change my future.
Visualization
Visualization became a way out. I would sit in a comfortable seat, close my eyes and visualize my father on a stage. People would line up to see him and hand him gifts, flowers and hugs showering him with love. I pictured him smiling ear to ear as he was praised and applauded by a crowd of people who loved and admired him. Imagining good things happening to my father felt as if I were putting my hand on a hot stove and leaving it there. It hurt, because my ego wanted him to hurt as much as he had hurt me. After all, what he had done was unfair. But although the pain was real it was quickly over ridden by my desire for inner peace. Which meant letting go of my ego and embracing new ways of thinking and doing. Visualization help me do just that.
Shifting
Shifting means accepting how you feel and focusing on something positive. Doing that helped me let go of the attack thoughts in my head. Not only towards my father but also towards the rest of the world. I would sit in a comfortable seat and allowed the negative thoughts to come. It was kind of like a meditation. I did not fight them or pushed them away. I simply allowed them to pass by like clouds in the sky. I acknowledged them by saying, “I see you but I choose this other thought instead.” Then I would pick a more kind, loving thought even though I did not believe it. My ego would have a temper tantrum but I did not give into the tantrum and kept going until the attack thoughts passed by and my spirit felt lighter.
Understanding my Father’s Upbringing
Learning about and understanding my father’s upbringing was part of letting go of my grievances and developing compassion for him. My father experienced an unusual amount of loss at an early age. By the time he was 18 both of his parents had died. By the age of 23 he had lost his first born son to a custody battle and never saw his son’s first smile, steps or heard his first words. I truly believe that my father’s obsessive desire to have a relationship with my brother was in part driven by the loss of his first born. It was his way of trying to heal that wound.
Gratitude
At one point I had become tunnel vision about my pain and the injustice of my father’s preferring my sister and brother to me. Focusing on being grateful for my current life helped me to find things to be grateful for about my upbringing and therefore release my grip on the injustice.
Recreating my past
Digging for good memories of my past and remembering them helped me recreate it. It helped me replace the old broken record with a newer version filled with more gentle and kind memories. Such as the way my older sister would kneel down by my bed with me each night to say our prayers together. Or when my brother and I would get to ride the ATV for the evening. Or how about when my dad would have us kids work every Saturday stacking wood for hours and never paid us a dime. Instead he would say: “You know the food we put on the table for you every day? That is what you are working for.” He taught us the lesson of hard work and for that I am truly grateful. The nice thing about recreating your past is you can embellish it or make things up. As long as your brain believes it, it does not matter if it is true or not. It is the belief of the story to be true that lifts your spirit in the present moment.
Conclusion
Now, when I think about or talk to my father, I feel no anger, or bitterness. To my surprise I can even feel love and compassion for him, a man I used to hate. If it were not for him I would not be the person I am today, I would not have learned the things I have learned and I would not be able to help you heal. For that I am truly grateful. A heart state I never thought I could ever reach. Thank you dad, I love you.
How about you? Who do you have to forgive?
Please share your thoughts I would love to hear from you.
– Cinthia Joy