I started to pay really close attention to the patterns in my life in 2019, after being arrested for brushing off an abusive co-worker. I was working as a cashier at a takeout restaurant. I was the new girl in town. Tara, the supervisor no one liked, was putting me to the test by snapping at me over silly things.
For instance, once she asked me to refill the container of plastic spoons. Instead of grabbing the spoons from under the counter I got them from the back storage. Instead of just correcting me, she yelled at me.
Another time, during a busy lunch hour, the phone had been ringing off the hook. None of us could get to the people who were trying to call us. I took it upon myself to answer the phone and take a customer’s order. A good supervisor would of seen this as me being a team player. But not Tara. She scolded me severely because I had not learned the “proper way” to answer the phone. Really??? “The proper way” to answer the phone? That was a first.
I was not the only person who had problems with Tara, many of us complained about her to the restaurant manager. Several co-workers walked off the job because of her. Once she yelled at a high school girl and brought her to tears for not standing close enough to the register.
Another new employee was smart enough to recognize that Tara’s behavior was abusive and asked the restaurant manager to transfer her to another position. Me not so much.
The restaurant manager was usually very good to us but she allowed Tara’s abusive behavior to continue despite the many, many employee complaints.
Things got so bad that I thought about leaving. But I loved the job and the people I worked with, and, I needed the money so I chose to stay.
Then on December 28th 2018 everything changed. I was sick that day. I had been working myself ragged throughout the holidays and was suffering from a bad cold. I was exhausted beyond belief. My throat hurt. My head hurt. Everything hurt. I should have been in bed resting, instead, I was out working.
We had 10 minutes to go before lunch rush. I was standing at my register when one my co-worker dropped a large box full of pastry boxes on the floor.
It broke open and created a mess and he asked me to help him pick it up.
I got down on my hands and knees and pitched in. Tara immediately came over and started to lecture me about “the correct way” to put the boxes in the box, all the while pointing her fingers in my face.
Annoyed by her, with my free hand I brushed off her fingers out of my face as if I was waving off a fly. My hand touched her fingers so she called the cops! I was arrested for simple assault, handcuffed and totally humiliated.Me in handcuff, in a waiting cell? How did I get here? I was hurting and I did not understand why.
That was my rock bottom! I had enough! I went home, sat with myself and took a good hard look at my life.
I realized that even if I needed the money I could of got a job elsewhere. But it was not about the money, down deep inside in the depth of my soul the truth was, I did not believe I had any worth and I believed that I deserved to be criticized. So I endured the abuse.
I noticed a pattern that went all the way back to my childhood. From the time my brother could speak he belittle me and made fun of me. I would go to my *mother and ask her to intervene and tell my brother to stop teasing me. Instead she would scold me and tell me that if I would stop giving into his teasing he would stop. But he never did. **Our subconscious is formed from birth to age seven. Because I suffered my brother’s abuse during those year and was criticized by my mother. I subconsciously accepted the belief that I deserved to be criticized and I carried that belief into my adulthood.
It was the same story all over again but with different people. Instead of it being my mother who did not protect me it was the restaurant manager. (Remember? I said I spoke to the Restaurant manager about having issues with Tara?) Instead of my brother harassing me it was Tara, my co-worker.
When I saw this I took my power back. I had been giving it away by asking someone else to put an end to my torment. Now, when I see the pattern come up, I protect myself first. I walk away. I stop talking. I put my head down. I humble myself. I take the blame. I accept being misunderstood. I let them be right. But whatever I do, I leave no room for drama.*mother: I have no animosity towards my mother. She did the best she knew how at the time.
-Cinthia
*mother: I have no animosity towards my mother. She did the best she knew how at the time.
**Bruce Lipton, PhD, Stem-Cell Biologist and author of The Biology of Belief, explains that we live in a subconscious state, a Theta state, from age 0 to 7 years and this is when we download all our beliefs from the people close to us including the adults in our lives.